I’ve never been able to relax. Whenever I try, I end up worrying. There’s so much to worry about! My health. Finances. Family matters. My relationship with my fiancee. My print shop. I worry that my one employee will quit. I worry about the taxman freezing all of my bank accounts. I worry that no-one will show up to my movie screenings. I worry that I’ll get cancer before I quit smoking. I worry that this is all there is.
To combat my worrying, I’ve always kept insanely busy. Project upon project, until there is no room left in my brain to worry. Which brings me back to my original point – I can’t relax, because if I try, I either end up thinking about all of my projects, or I end up worrying. Booze and pot can be temporary solutions for me, but they’re not good for me, so I try to not rely on them. Sex also works for me, but within an hour or two I’m back at it. Thinking and/or worrying.
I’m useless on a vacation. I find it so hard to turn off my brain and just enjoy myself by the pool or the ocean. The older I get, the harder I find it to lose myself in a good book. Movies work as a form of relaxation, but even during a movie, I start worrying about how the movie will soon be over, and I’ll be back to Life. And Life, to me, is usually something to worry about.
This past Saturday, my girl was away for the day, so I was left to my own devices. I ran some errands during the day, and got home at 4 pm. After unpacking groceries, I decided to lie down on the bed. I very deliberately tried to get myself to relax. I lay there, arms folded across my chest, and focused on my breathing. I closed my eyes, and looked at what was going on in my head. What I was thinking about. What I was worrying about. If someone would have seen me, they would have assumed I was asleep. I was not. I was wide awake, wading around in my thoughts, trying to turn them off one at a time. Telling myself that there was nothing to worry about, and that everything was okay.
Two hours later, I was still at it.
An hour after that, I realized that I was actually relaxing. It was a combination of how quiet it was, with our cat Hattie laying up against me, asleep, with the realization that I didn’t have anything to do right at that moment in time. I didn’t have to work on anything. I didn’t have to worry about anything. I could do anything I wanted, and I was doing exactly what I wanted to do – I was relaxing.
And it felt wonderful.
Ever since I got out of the hospital last year for a manic episode I had, I have slowly been taking away projects, which opens up more thinking space in my brain. Unfortunately, upon reflection, I’ve been replacing thinking about projects with Worrying. I’m going to work really hard to stop worrying so much. I’ve had serious conversations about what I worry about with my girl, and she is like a rock, reassuring me. Really, my life isn’t so bad. It’s actually quite good! I work for myself. I’m writing again. I’m in love and getting married this summer. I have good friends and the respect of my peers. I’m taking care of my taxes. I’m downloading good books to my Kobo and reading again. I’m in a good place, literally and figuratively.
That’s all I can really ask for, isn’t it?
Stacey, I have long had the same problem. What has eased things considerably for me – and, I realize, was always a solution – is finding time to take walks alone, without relying on my phone, and without headphones or any musical accompaniment. I just walk and take in the sights and sounds. Sometimes, there is a conversation with a stranger or two: brief, upbeat, fun, and then onwards.
Walking has made a world of difference for me. I like the solitude, yet I’m still engaged. I become small among everything around me, and it’s a healthy feeling.
Don’t know if it would work for you, but I find it a real cleanser/regenerator.
Peace to you.
Thanks, Sean. It seems so obvious, now that you mention it. I think I’ll be doing more walking from now on.
Hey Stace,
I am currently reading a book right now called “Last Child In the Woods” by Richard Louv. It’s about how the youth of this generation don’t get the opportunity to just “be out in nature” like we did when we were kids (you know, “come in when the streetlights go on!”). The points this gentleman makes about the importance of a connection with nature are excellent. As a Scout leader, I now ensure there is ample time at every one of our camps and on our hikes to let the youth find a “spot” of their own wherever we are and look around, have some peace and quiet. It does wonders for all of the youth, but especially for the several we have who are ADD and ADHD. The difference is incredible, definitely get out there, and sometime during your walk just stop – and take it all in – THAT is all there is, and it’s all that matters. Everything else is gravy.
I truly understand what you mean, Beck. Thanks.
Hey Stace, long time no see! The walking thing works for me too, and my fiance, and, of course, my dog, who insists on it all the time.
Hi Stacey, I teased you a bit on facebook yesterday so I wanted to say something here
I have known you for a long time and have always admired your energy, ideas, and ability to get things done. Maybe now is the time to slow down and focus on YOU, the you who matters regardless of what you are producing and impressing the world. The Dalai Lama says that we are born with a “precious human life” which alone is worth celebrating. I think it is amazing that you are allowing yourself this opportunity to slow down and find out who you really are.
Congratulations on getting married this summer! Year of the Dragon is the most auspicious year for marriage. Lucky!
~Kristine
Thanks Kristine. It feels good to slow down a bit, and just…exist. I’ll keep getting better at it! And thanks for the congrats!
Slowdowns when instinct calls get me livin’ at just the right speed. Feel ready for anything after that.
And congrats on the union!